Green Eggs and Busted
by Rosaleen68
Summary: A Connie story, sort of. There are some things that aren't supposed to be seen, let alone written about. Babe-ish, set after LMT. This started life as a joke posted on another site, which grew into something else. Rated M for this and the follow up.
1. not quite green eggs and ham

_Disclaimer: Not mine and not making any money. I'm just playing. I apologise wholeheartedly to both Janet Evanovich and Dr Seuss._

_Originally posted as a joke on another board. It led to something else, so there is a point to this, I promise._

NOT QUITE GREEN EGGS AND HAM

_Man-I-am,_

_hot Cuban man._

That Cuban man!

That Cuban man!

He is so hot

that Cuban man!

_You want to do _

_this Cuban man?_

But I have a cheating ban.

I must not do you

Cuban man.

_Would you touch me_

_here or there?_

I must not touch you

here or there.

I must not touch you

anywhere.

I still have a cheating ban.

I must not do you

Cuban man.

_Would you have me in a house?_

_Can I peep inside your blouse?_

I cannot have you in a house.

You may not look inside my blouse.

I must not touch you

here or there.

I must not touch you

Anywhere.

I still have a cheating ban.

I must not do you 

Cuban man.

_Would you kiss me in a box?_

_Would you kiss me in a fox?__(Eeew, fur)_

Not in a box.

Not in a fox.

Not in a house.

Hands off my blouse.

I must not touch you here or there.

I must not touch you anywhere.

I still have a cheating ban.

I must not do you Cuban man.

_Would you? Could you?_

_In my car?_

_Touch me! Kiss me!_

_Go that far._

I should not,

could not,

in your car.

_You would like it._

_You will see._

_We could touch behind a tree!_

I should not, could not by a tree.

Not in your car! Stop tempting me.

I should not kiss you in a box.

I should not kiss you in a fox.

I cannot have you in a house.

You may not look inside my blouse.

I must not touch you here or there.

I must not touch you anywhere.

I still have a cheating ban.

I must not do you, Cuban man.

_A train! A train!_

_A train! A train!_

_Would you let me,_

_on a train?_

Not on a train! Not by a tree!

Not in your car! Stop tempting me!

I should not kiss you in a box.

I should not kiss you in a fox.

I cannot have you in a house.

You may not get inside my blouse.

I must not touch you here or there.

I must not touch you anywhere.

I still have a cheating ban.

I must not do you, Cuban man.

_Say!_

_In the dark?_

_Here in the dark!_

_Who knows what goes on in the dark?_

I should not, could not,

in the dark.

_Would you hold me in the rain?_

I should not hold you in the rain.

Not in the dark. Not on a train.

Not in your car. Not by a tree.

I should be faithful, don't you see?

Not in a house. Not in a box.

Hands off my blouse. Not in a fox.

I should not touch you here or there.

I should not touch you anywhere!

_You do not want_

_this Cuban man?_

You shouldn't tempt me,

Man-I-am.

_Would you snuggle in my coat?_

I must not snuggle in your coat.

_Would you love me on a boat?_

I should not love you on a boat.

I must not snuggle in your coat.

I should not hold you in the rain.

I should not let you on a train.

Not in the dark! Not by a tree!

Not in your car! Stop tempting me!

I should not kiss you in a box.

I should not kiss you in a fox.

I cannot have you in a house.

You may not get inside my blouse.

I should not touch you here or there.

I should not touch you ANYWHERE!

I still have a cheating ban!

I must not do you, Cuban man.

_You must not love me._

_So you say._

_Try me! Try it!_

_And you may._

_Try me and you may, I say._

Man!

If you are so hot for me,

I will try it.

Let us see.

Damn!

I like it, Cuban man!

I do, I want you, Man-I-am!

And I will love you on a boat.

And I will snuggle in your coat.

And I will hold you in the rain.

And in the dark. And on a train.

And in your car. And by a tree.

It feels so good, so good you see!

So I will kiss you in a box.

And I will kiss you in a fox.

And I will have you in a house.

And you can feel beneath my blouse.

And I will touch you here or there.

I will touch you EVERYWHERE!

I'm moving on, there is no ban!

You're mine all mine, hot Cuban man.


	2. green eggs and busted

_Disclaimer: Not mine, not making any money. I'm just playing._

GREEN EGGS AND BUSTED

_A sequel to Not Quite Green Eggs and Ham_

Connie was bored. Not that this was anything new. Sitting behind the desk of a small-time bonds agency bonding out Vinnie's neighbours and relations wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind when she left school. The problem was, she wasn't exactly qualified to do anything except boring office jobs. Lula was fun, when she bothered to come in that was, but otherwise Connie just stared at her computer screen day after day, taking her entertainment wherever she could find it.

And speaking of Lula, she was going to be in trouble if she did bother to show her face in the office today. It was 10:30 already and Connie's plus-sized, so called filing clerk had yet to arrive. Vinnie would probably fire her if he wasn't so damn scared of her, but then Connie would be even more bored while Vinnie hid in his inner sanctum committing whatever unspeakable acts he did when his door was locked.

She sighed, pulling a bottle of nail polish remover from her desk drawer to strip off her nail polish ready to start again. It beat dusting the store room shelves for the second time today, anyway.

The front door opened and Connie spoke without looking up. "Do you actually expect to get paid for a whole day, Lula?"

"Nope."

Connie looked up when she heard Stephanie's voice instead of Lula's. "Hey Steph! What are you doing here? I don't have any files for you. Vinnie's out all day and Lula hasn't showed up again, so it's just me holding the fort."

"Bored, huh?"

"You have no idea!" Connie replied fervently.

Steph gave her a brilliant smile and settled herself in a chair facing Connie's desk. "I have an idea. Why don't I tell you a story?"

"A story?"

"Yeah, a story. You like stories, don't you?"

Connie looked at Stephanie suspiciously. Her expression was open and guileless. "O…kay."

"Once upon a time…"

"Once upon a time, are you kidding me?" Connie interrupted.

"Yes, once upon a time. All the best stories start that way. Now, are you going to let me tell you this story or not?"

"Steph, we're grownups. I haven't had anyone tell me a story in the last twenty five years."

"Trust me, you'll want to hear this one. Now, once upon a time, someone wrote a rhyme. It was a lot like a famous children's rhyme, but some of the words were different. Why are you looking so worried, Connie? It's just a story. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, some of the words were the same.

Now, this story might have stopped right here, except that the person left their rhyme folded up in the book of the famous children's rhyme when they gave the book back to its owner.

As luck would have it, a child opened that book and found the new rhyme. They were very excited, because they liked the famous one so much. They took their new rhyme to school and showed it to their teacher.

That teacher was very interested to read the new rhyme. In fact, she copied it for her best friend, because she thought that she would enjoy it too…"

"Steph…"

"Don't interrupt me, I'm telling the story. So, the best friend gave copies to some of her friends, and it turns out that one of those friends has a cousin on the Trenton Police Force…"

"Steph…"

"_Quiet_, Connie. Where was I? Oh yes, the Trenton detective was _very_ interested in the new rhyme. And do you know what the very best thing about this rhyme was? The very _best_ thing were the little cartoons that were drawn on the piece of paper to go with the rhyme. The cartoons were sooo good that you could see just who the people were, which made the rhyme that much more interesting, and made people want to talk about it even more."

"Steph, I am so sorry!"

Stephanie was quiet for a long time, just staring at the bottles of nail polish lined up on Connie's desk.

Then she carried on in a conversational tone. "You made my hair very curly, but I suppose I should thank you for making me look slim. And the detailing on Ranger's figure was excellent. You gave him a little pony tail and a gun and everything." Her voice hardened. "There seems to be no doubt in anyone's mind that it was us. Certainly not in my mother's mind, certainly not in Joe's, or my grandmother's, or Angie Morelli's."

"I'm sorry. I never meant for anyone to see it."

"Well, I haven't seen Joe since he saw it, and his grandmother is threatening to put the eye on me, so I don't know how that is going to pan out, but I'll survive. It won't be the first time I've looked like a fool around here."

"How did you know it was me?"

"Do you think Ranger knew that Slick is your cousin?" Stephanie answered the question with a question. "And 'knew' is the operative word here, because when he found out about those so life-like little cartoons showing us together in the alley, it took him less than ten minutes to find the unauthorised RangeMan surveillance camera mounted on the wall out there, and barely an hour after that to hunt down the culprit and find out his relationship to you."

Connie reached down to the floor for her purse.

"Oh, don't bother ringing him to warn him. He's already doing an extended surveillance shift making sure that nobody steals the extract vents down at the rendering plant."

Connie just sat, looking at her screen without seeing it as Stephanie continued.

"Ranger also found out almost straight away that the camera was feeding to your computer." Stephanie paused, then stared straight at her, "Did you enjoy watching us in the alley, Connie?"

Connie groaned and dropped her face into her hands. "You don't know what it's like, just sitting here, day after day, filling out forms for petty criminals and trying not to think about what Vinnie's doing in his office while you and Lula go out and get all the excitement. Nothing ever happens in my life!" She looked up again. "Do you hate me?"

"Not any more, although it's taken me a day or two to calm down." Stephanie smiled at her, but the smile didn't have its usual warmth. "No, Connie, I'm used to embarrassment. I'm not the one who has to deal with cartoons that make me look like a lovesick puppy when I'm supposed to be the big, bad wolf. No, you don't have to worry about me. If I were in your shoes right now, I'd be worrying about Ranger."

Connie went white. "He's seen it?"

"Oh, yes. It was hard to tell what he thought, but he was quiet for a very long time after I showed it to him."

Stephanie gave her another smile. "This is the fun part, because I get to be like the Ghost of Christmas Past, or is it Present? The nice one, anyway."

Stephanie leaned back comfortably into the large body that had come to stand immediately behind her. Ranger dropped a companionable hand onto her shoulder and stared straight at Connie over her head as she continued, "Are you ready to face Christmas Future?"

Connie remembered Abruzzi and Anton Ward, and tried hard to suppress a whimper as she looked back at him.


End file.
